Many secular humanists sincerely ask: What’s wrong
with having sex outside of marriage? Or why should marriage be only between a
man and a woman?
These are great questions. They are also deeply linked
to one’s worldview and bring up countless related questions. For example:
·
What is sex? What
is its significance? Is it just a physical act, a biological function? Or is it
something more?
·
What is the body?
Just a biological organism or the dwelling place of a soul or spirit?
·
What are the
costs and benefits associated with abstinence and monogamy versus promiscuity?
What are the costs and benefits for the individual? What about society as a
whole?
·
How does each
approach affect family cohesiveness, child-rearing, divorce rates, poverty
rates, medical health, mental health, aggregate trust between men and women,
etc.?
·
Is there a
universal moral standard that applies to sexuality? If so, what is it? Who or
what defines right and wrong and good and evil concerning sexual choices?
·
How do sexual
choices affect a person’s soul or character? How do they affect a person’s
relationship to God?
In thinking about these questions, it could be pointed
out that there are now and have always been many non-Christian cultures
asserting that sex should be connected to marriage between a man and woman. I
was reminded of this years ago when I traveled through predominantly Muslim,
Buddhist, and Hindu parts of the world. Many of the places I visited were very
serious about traditional views of sex and marriage. Western secularism is an
outlier on this point, so it doesn’t really make sense to single out biblical
Christianity.
In any event, secular humanists tend to define moral
values based on what they believe result in maximum human happiness/well-being
and eschew notions of a divine moral standard. By contrast, Christians base
moral standards on the Bible, which speaks to marriage and sexuality with
considerable clarity.
Here are several verses that speak to marriage:
Genesis 1:27, 2:18-24, Matthew 19:4-6, 1 Corinthians 11:11, Ephesians 5:25-32,
Hebrews 13:4, Revelation 19:7-8.
And here are several verses that speak to the topic of
sexual immorality: Matthew 15:19-20, Romans 1:26-27, 13:13, 1 Corinthians
6:9-11, 13-20, Galatians 5:19-21, Colossians 3:5, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, 1
Timothy 1:9-11, Hebrews 13:4.
Collectively, the first set of passages teach that God
created mankind in His image as male and female. Men and women are unique,
distinct, and they complement and complete each other. When a man and woman
marry, God mysteriously and supernaturally joins them together to become one
flesh. This oneness is a picture of the relationship between mankind’s Savior,
Jesus Christ, and His people, the church.
The second set of passages teach that God created the
human body both to be a dwelling place for His Spirit and to become one flesh
with his or her spouse of the opposite sex. However, when a person has sex with
someone to whom he or she is not married, they violate, defile, and dishonor
their own body, as well as God’s Spirit within them if they are a Christian.
This includes adultery and both heterosexual and homosexual fornication.
Another way to think about sex is that God created our
hearts and bodies to be congruent. The word congruent means “in agreement or
harmony”. Our hearts and bodies are meant to be in agreement and in harmony
with one another.
When two people have sex, they say with their bodies, “I
want to be as close and intimate with you as possible. I want to fully give
myself to you and I want you to fully give yourself to me.”
When people’s hearts and bodies are saying the same,
sex is wonderful. There’s the potential for pure, shameless, fulfilling sex
that lasts a lifetime. However, when people’s hearts and bodies are not saying
the same thing, it is usually unsustainable. It often leads to pain, shame, or
regret because they’re telling a lie with their bodies. In fact, one of the
verses we saw – 1 Thessalonians 4:6 – says that when we have sex with someone
outside of marriage, we “defraud” them.
I remember listening to a conversation between two
guys in their early twenties at the fitness center where I worked out. They
were talking about the different girls they had slept with. At first, their
tone was boastful and happy-go-lucky, but then one of them, in a moment of
vulnerability, said he felt guilty after having a one-night stand. He said he
once had the thought, “Am I a bad person?” His friend immediately
understood what he was talking about and agreed.
So much of the sex that happens in this world involves
one or both partners using the other for selfish motives, either to feel
pleasure or to feel desirable. This can happen in marriage too, but in the
context of committed, lifelong fidelity there is at least the potential for sex
to become increasingly rooted in love and relationship, as God intended, rather
than selfish gratification.
Of course, a one-night stand is not the same thing as
a long-term, unmarried sexual relationship. But from a Christian’s perspective,
that relationship is still incongruent, even if less so. They are still fully
giving and receiving each other’s bodies while holding back part of their
hearts. If they fully gave each other their hearts, then they would be fully
committed. By remaining unmarried, their hearts are leaving room to break the
promise their bodies are making.
Homosexuality
I have often heard influential voices in our culture
claim that it is discriminating and hateful for Christians to believe that
homosexuality is a sin. This claim is false to the point of absurdity.
Christians also think heterosexual lust/promiscuity
are sins, as well as pride, greed, self-righteousness, gossip, jealousy,
selfishness, and so on. Consequently, all people are sinners. These
voices are simply taking one area of sexual sin and hyper-focusing on it to
make it sound like Christianity is unfairly opposed to one segment of the
population.
I’ve struggled with and continue to struggle with some
of the sins I just mentioned my whole life. So logically, according to this
claim, I’m being “discriminating and hateful” toward myself and everyone else
in the world simply because I believe in a universal moral standard that nobody
perfectly keeps. It doesn’t make any sense. This is just an empty political
slogan used to divide and manipulate people.
How Our Culture Has Changed
In my lifetime, I have observed two major transitions
take place in America in the collective relationship between Christians and
homosexuality advocates. The first transition took place in the 1990s and
2000s, when advocates of homosexuality fought for tolerance. Their
argument was basically, “Look, we can agree to disagree. We can have
contradicting beliefs and still treat one another with kindness and respect.”
This was a reasonable and respectable position. And it was very successful. The
culture shifted significantly. A large percentage of people that still believed
in traditional views of sex and marriage decided that homosexuals have the
right to choose their lifestyle without harassment or mistreatment. I would
include myself in this.
The second transition took place in the 2010s, when
homosexuality advocates fought for affirmation. Their argument, at least
on the extreme end, was, “If you believe homosexuality is immoral, you are
being hateful, bigoted, and discriminating, and you need to change your
beliefs.” This was an intolerant message. The former message about
tolerance mostly disappeared and was replaced by a hyperpolarizing false
dilemma where people were basically told, “Either you agree with us, or you
hate us. There is no middle ground.”
Perhaps we could summarize the progression like this:
Step 1: Christians treated homosexual advocates with
intolerance, back when theirs was arguably the majority view in the culture.
Step 2: After the first transition, Christians and homosexual
advocates appeared to briefly treat one another with a degree of tolerance.
Step 3: After the second transition, homosexual advocates
began treating Christians with intolerance, now that theirs was arguably the
majority view in the culture.
It seems to be symptomatic of human nature that any
group in a society that holds a majority view often treats those with a
minority view with some degree of intolerance, especially when there are
important worldview implications involved.
This may be partly due to the fact that intolerance is
effective. When people fear being shamed or harassed for holding an
unpopular view, many of them will abandon that view. They go along to get
along. This is currently happening with many professing Christians, including
Christian leaders, who are abandoning overtly biblical standards of sexual
morality as they buckle under the pressure of false accusations that these
standards are hateful and bigoted.
Objection #1
Some people feel attracted to the same sex from as
early as they can remember. This leads some people to ask: “How can
homosexuality be immoral if it began early and involuntarily? Perhaps it’s the
result of personality or genetic factors.”
This is a good point to raise. However, just because a
trait begins early or comes naturally does not mean it cannot be immoral. The
first time I told a lie or stole something, I was about four or five years old.
Many people I’ve talked to say the same thing. So, lying and theft began early
and naturally for me, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be immoral.
Furthermore, personality or genetic factors can also
make some people more prone to heterosexual lust, pride, anger, violence, or
any number of other traits that Christianity and other belief systems would
identify as immoral.
Objection #2
Another common objection is this: It is wrong and
judgmental for Christians to tell homosexuals who do not profess Christ that
they are sinning.
I completely agree with this objection. It is
pointless and offensive to tell someone they are not living according to a
standard they don’t believe in and have no interest in following. It is also
unbiblical. In 1 Corinthians 5:12-13, Paul told the Corinthians:
“For
what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within
the church? But those who are outside, God judges.”
(Concurrently, Paul said in 1 Corinthians 5 that he
and the other believers had a responsibility to judge a professing
Christian in their congregation who was willfully sinning – both for the
individual’s sake and to protect the rest of body.)
A lot of the animosity toward Christians in our
culture may be attributable to Christians condemning homosexuals who never
asked to be held accountable to biblical standards. In those cases, they have
every right to be offended.
Now if a homosexual person is sincerely considering
adopting biblical Christianity, that’s completely different. That person
deserves a clear, straight-forward answer about what the Bible teaches about
homosexuality and any other topic he or she is interested in.
Objection #3
Here’s another common objection: Christianity teaches
that if a homosexual person wants to become a Christian, they must either stop
being attracted to the same sex – which in many cases in impossible – or they
can never have a loving, committed, romantic relationship – which is unfair and
tragic.
This is another great point to raise. It’s true that
some Christians with same-sex attraction choose to live lives of celibacy.
However, there are also some Christians who were formally homosexual and went
on to be happily married in a heterosexual relationship. If God exists, it’s
not unreasonable to think He can guide and shape our desires as we walk with
him, including sexual desires. Psalm 37:4 says:
“Delight
yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.”
Notice it does not say He will give us the things
we desire; it says the desires themselves will come from Him.
Closing
The essence of becoming a Christian is surrender
– surrendering one’s life to the Lord and being willing to be helped to obey
Him as we walk with Him. Everyone has different areas of their life that are
especially difficult to surrender. It is a mistake to assume that it is more
difficult for one person to surrender their homosexuality than it is for
another person to surrender their heterosexual lust, or love of money, or
prideful self-righteousness, or unforgiveness toward those who hurt them, or
idolatry of human affirmation, or any number of other sins. God gives grace to
each believer to face their own struggles, not someone else’s.
If eternity exists, there cannot possibly be anything
more important in a finite lifetime than preparing for an infinite eternity.
It’s a simple cost-benefit analysis. If one focuses on short-term happiness,
surrendering their sin will probably seem like too great a sacrifice. However,
if one focuses on eternity by faith, there is no sacrifice too great.
The truth is, there is nothing we can possibly
surrender to Christ in this life that can ever outweigh what is gained. Jesus
Christ is worth so much more. Forgiveness, mercy, and eternal salvation are
worth so much more. Spending eternity with God instead of apart from Him is
worth so much more. This is why the apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:7-8:
“But
whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the
sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the
surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the
loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ…”
It is also why he said in 2 Corinthians 4:17-18:
“For
momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far
beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at
the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but
the things which are not seen are eternal.”