In general, God created
men to be more accomplishment-oriented and women to be more
relationship-oriented. This is why Adam’s primary commission from God was in
the area of labor and accomplishment – cultivating and keeping the garden
(Genesis
Correspondingly, when
mankind fell to sin, Adam and Eve’s curses were also related to labor and
relationships. For Adam, the ground was cursed so his labor would become
toilsome. For Eve, God multiplied her pain in childbirth and warned her about
the effect of sin on her marriage (Genesis 3:16-19).
Of course, men also have
a relational side and women also esteem labor and accomplishments. This speaks
of their primary orientation, not their only orientation. Men’s and women’s qualities together
fully reflect God’s image, which is why they were both created in His image
(Genesis 1:27) and commissioned jointly to rule over the earth (Genesis 1:28).
Before the fall, both the
environment and Adam’s mental and physical abilities were flawless. His labor
would have been unimaginably fulfilling, marked by fluid creativity and
innovation. Over time, he would have experienced success after success, his
influence always expanding, like a career path that goes from one plateau to
another. As the population grew, all people would have used their unique gifts
and abilities and labored harmoniously alongside one another. Adam and his
descendants would have built homes, cities, technologies, and governing /
organizational structures completely devoid of sinful influence. There would
have been an abundance of every kind of valuable good and service. No one would
have worried about how to survive. The earth would have been far beyond any
conception of utopia fallen mankind has contrived.
After
the fall, Adam’s labor became a frustrating struggle. He faced opposition from
the environment and diminished mental and physical abilities. He faced
setbacks, injuries, and confusing problems with no solution. As the population
grew, people frequently worked against one another, vying for positon, ruled by
selfish motives. Leaders enslaved and dominated others. People toiled to make
ends meet and worried about the future. There was poverty, starvation, and
violent conflicts over valuable resources.
Without sin, Eve’s
relationships with her husband, children, and others would have been completely
pure. She would have given herself to her husband unreservedly. She would have
been delighted to help him because she knew he always had her best interests at
heart. She would never have questioned his motives or worried he might try to
dominate her. She would never have felt jealous because she knew his romantic
desire was for her alone. She would have felt no compulsion to control him
because she knew he perfectly relied on God’s grace to lead their family. She
would have freely poured out love and wisdom into her children. She would have watched her beautiful
legacy expand to grandchildren, great grandchildren, and on and on. Her family line would have been forever devoid of
pain, fear, or grief.
After the fall, Adam and
Eve’s marriage was distorted by sin. Pain and distrust crept in. Just as God
warned (Genesis 3:16), Eve was prone to idolizing Adam, looking more to him for
her sense of value and security than to God. This caused her to often feel
jealous and insecure. Also, as God warned, Adam was prone to ruling over Eve
from selfish motives (Genesis 3:16). This caused her to become fearful about
how he led their family. She also experienced multiplied pain in childbirth,
which paralleled the pain she experienced in their spiritual development. She
saw her children rebel, hurt one another, develop addictions, and cause her
heavy grief.
Today in the west many
women relate more to career ambition than dreams of marriage and family.
However, this may be due in part to the fact that our society greatly affirms
career / monetary success and dismisses traditional, domestic life as
insignificant. Women are often
made to feel as though they’re settling or missing out if they devote a large
portion of their lives to raising children. The desire for society’s affirmation
has reshaped many women’s values and curbed their domestic instincts. This is
part of the enemy’s strategy to erode our esteem for the family.
If someone said to me, “Women are just as competent
and qualified as men for the most important jobs in society, so why should they
be the ones to stay home and raise children?” I would say, “You just
answered your own question.” The bigger problem in our society is not
inequality in the workplace, but the eviction of motherhood from its rightful
place of honor.
I fully support equality in the workplace. My mother
was police officer and a therapist during different seasons of my upbringing.
My wife is an excellent therapist. In my professional life, some of the best
mangers I’ve reported to were women. I don’t deny that women often aren’t
compensated for the value they provide in the marketplace in the same way as
their male colleagues. Nor do I deny that this inequality is wrong, detrimental
to society, and should be pointed out in public discourse by corporate and
media influencers.
But the idea that a woman who chooses to be a
stay-at-home mom is somehow missing out or settling for less is a ridiculous
notion. When exactly did raising the next generation, sacrificially teaching
them integrity and kindness and wisdom and work ethic day in and day out come
to be considered less important than the labor of doctors or lawyers or
accountants? How is caring for people’s bodies or companies or money more
important than the formation of their souls? It’s not less important – it’s more
important.
Motherhood is the ultimate act of service, the
greatest sacrifice, and the most pressing need. Women are indeed just as
competent and qualified for the most important jobs in society. In some ways
they are more qualified, as we’ll discuss in coming chapters. This is why those
who choose the most important job of all – staying home to raise children –
should be held in the highest esteem.
Two illustrations come to my when I think about the
aforementioned male-female differences. First, I frequently check current
events on my phone. My wife Jenny, on the other hand, regularly checks social
media updates. One day I turned to her and said, “You know, you and I both
like to check the news – only you prefer news about your family and friends,
while I prefer news about what’s happening in the world. But they’re both just
news.” She smiled and agreed, adding that this was probably a common
difference between men and women.
Second, my dad recently spent time with his mom in her
rest home. Afterward he observed to me, “All the men talk about is their
health problems and all the women talk about is their grandchildren.” I
pondered this later and thought, “How appropriate.” Men pride themselves
in being strong and capable. Somewhere deep down it feels wrong that our bodies
incrementally break down and die – like it’s not supposed to be this way. Likewise,
women take pride in their seeing their families grow from one generation to the
next. It feels wrong that their participation in them must come to an abrupt
end.
Why was the ground cursed
for Adam? Why did God give Eve pain in childbirth? Because of sin, our greatest
gifts can become our greatest idols. We look to our gifts for our sense of
purpose and identity more than we look to God. This is why men make idols out
of their careers and women make idols out of their families. This reinforces
our lost condition and intensifies our trajectory toward eternal separation.
Gifts make us proud and
secure, but pain is humbling. After the fall, men and women experienced pain in
the areas in which they were most prone to take pride or find false security.
The curses hindered our ability to find our identities in idols. They help us
recognize the futility of life apart from God.
It is important to point
out that the breakdown in Adam and Eve’s marriage was not God’s doing. It was
simply a natural consequence of sin entering the world. Notice what God said in
Genesis 3:16: “I will greatly multiply
your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire
will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
With the first part of the verse, the part about pain
in childbirth, God took responsibility. “I am the One doing this,” He
said. “Multiplied pain in childbirth
is from Me.” This was not the case with the second part. God did not say, “I will make you
desire (idolize) your husband” or “I will cause your
husband to rule over (dominate) you.” He only said it was going to happen.
In other words, God was telling Eve what effects sin would have on their
marriage.
Whenever two people or groups relate to
one another, the only way for them to receive the full blessing that God wants
to impart is for both to exercise humility. This is especially true when men
and women relate to one another.
Men and women have profoundly different
gifts, but they correspond to profoundly different weaknesses. Therefore, we
should give grace to one another to have completely different struggles without
condemning each other. Criticism is deadly. It is part of our sin nature to
accusingly point out someone else’s struggle just because we don’t struggle
with the same thing ourselves.
Here are a few examples of different gift-struggle combinations we can give each other grace for:
Men and women can be strong where their spouses are
weak. We can give grace and cover each other’s sin. Humility does not mean
refraining from confronting sin. But it does mean recognizing we are not in
their shoes and don’t fully know how difficult their struggle is. It means
exercising patience and gentleness with their growth process.
Early in our marriage I
felt critical of Jenny because I thought she was too attached to her parents
and siblings. I saw it as a sign of immaturity and a lack of surrender to God.
I feared it would stand in the way of us moving away if God should lead us to
do so. It took me many years to understand that Jenny’s intense love and
loyalty for family was how God made her.
It also took me many
years to realize my concern about Jenny’s “lack of surrender” was not at all
for Jenny’s sake. I just didn’t want anything to get in the way of what God
might have in store for me. I was only concerned about my gifts, my dreams, and
my calling – it was all about me!
In addition to being
selfishly motivated, my criticism was just wrong. A couple years later, Jenny
agreed to move with me across the country, away from everyone she knew and
loved, for no other reason than because she felt God wanted her to.
Now I have discovered
that one key to not condemning another’s struggle is to intentionally
appreciate the corresponding gift. Men and women can be amazed at each other
because God made us so wonderfully different. Now when I observe the depth of
emotion that comes up in my wife’s heart towards the people she loves, I am
amazed. I see how much joy it gives her when they are happy. I see how much
grief she feels when they are in pain. Watching her causes me to feel a small
part of what she feels. It amazes me to think her emotions are just a tiny
glimpse of the emotions God feels.
Is there an authority structure in marriage? If so,
what is it and why did God design marriage this way? In the next chapter, we’ll
address these questions.