A commonly overlooked fact of scripture is that most
of what Jesus said about the influence of biological family members in a young
person’s life once they reach the age of independence was not positive. Here
are some examples:
“And He said to another, ‘Follow Me.’ But he said, ‘Lord, permit me
first to go and bury my father.’ But He said to
him, ‘Allow the dead to bury their own dead; but as for
you, go and proclaim everywhere the kingdom of God.’ Another also said,
‘I will follow You, Lord; but first permit me to say good-bye to those at
home.” But Jesus said to him, “No one, after putting his hand to the plow and
looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.’” (Luke 9:59-62)
For I
came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a
daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the
members of his household. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not
worthy of me…” (Matthew 10:35-37,
repeated in Luke 12:53)
“You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives
and friends…” (Luke 21:16)
Jesus spoke these words primarily to people who came
from devout Israelite families who believed in the true God and His written
word. If these statements applied to Israelites in Jesus’ day, they can also
apply to Christians today.
For some Christians, family opposition is the greatest
obstacle they will ever face to obeying God’s call on their lives. We are born
craving acceptance from our parents. They represent God to us. Our
understanding of right and wrong is formed by their approval or disapproval.
This tremendous influence does not suddenly disappear when we reach adulthood.
Therefore, obeying God when it goes against our parents’ wishes can feel like
rebellion or sin.
Christians who grew up in Muslim, Buddhist, or Jewish
families and then converted understand the price of following Christ. Many are
completely rejected as outcasts. Some are even threatened with death.
Christians today should understand it is possible to experience similar, if
less extreme, shunning for following Christ even if they were raised in
Christian homes. We live in a lukewarm generation. It is possible for Christian
parents (or pastors and other long-term influencers) to be threatened or
offended when their young adult children pursue a calling that is different
than what they envisioned.
One older couple at my church took a vehement stand
against their son and daughter-in-law becoming missionaries in a dangerous part
of the world for fear of their safety. They wouldn’t even consider that it
could be God’s hand leading them. The pastor finally counseled them that they
had no right to hold their children back from God’s will, if this was it,
because they didn’t belong to them – they belonged to Him. Similarly, the
leader of a marriage-and-family ministry said the number one obstacle young people
face when becoming a part of their ministry is opposition from their Christian
parents. The parents don’t like the stigma and uncertainty associated with
having to raise support as missionaries.
Another source of opposition is that some Christians
are very dogmatic in their devotion to a particular set of doctrines or a
denomination. Therefore, they treat going to another church/denomination or
embracing different doctrines (other than the non-negotiable doctrines of the
faith) almost as if they had converted to another religion.
I read the testimony of one man who grew up in a
church with very formal, ritualistic services. As a result, Christ never seemed
personal or approachable to him. In his teenage years, a friend invited him to
a church with a friendlier atmosphere, genuine heart-felt worship, and
practical in-depth teaching about living in relationship with God. Without
criticizing, he switched churches and began to pursue God passionately.
However, this offended his pastor and parents so much that he was eventually
ostracized from his family.
Most Christian parents sincerely want what is best for
their children. However, Christian parents’ counsel is sometimes more a
reflection of their own values than God’s kingdom. They may be more concerned
with their children’s financial security, social status, geographic proximity,
physical safety, or normal family life than whether they truly serve God with
all their hearts.
No Debt Other Than Honor
Children owe their parents honor, but they don’t owe
them a life lived the way their parents envisioned. Nor do they owe them
repayment for all the sacrifices they made. Parents sacrificing for their
children is not an option; it is a command and a responsibility. It is their
duty before God.
There is a scene from a classic movie, Look Who’s
Coming to Dinner, that illustrates this well. In a heated exchange, the
father reminds the son of all the sacrifices he made for him. However, the son
does not accept this as grounds that he must choose the life his father wants
for him:
Father: You
know how far I carried that [mail] bag in 30 years? 75,000 miles! And mowing
lawns in the dark so you wouldn’t have to be stoking furnaces and could bear
down on the books. There were things your mother should have had that she
insisted go for you. And I don’t mean fancy things. I mean a decent coat. A
lousy coat! And you’re gonna tell me that means nothing to you and you could
break your mother’s heart?
Son: Let
me tell you something. I owe you nothing. If you carried that bag a million
miles you did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this
world and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, like I
will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don’t own me. You can’t… try to
get me to live my life according to your rules… You’re my father. I’m your son.
I love you. I always have and I always will.
Godly Counsel
Sometimes, giving godly
counsel requires more than biblical knowledge or life experience. Sometimes it
requires having the Lord’s perspective of the specific situation, which may be
contrary to human reasoning since the Lord sometimes asks us to trust Him by
faith, not fully understanding His reasons or how everything will work out (ex.
Proverbs 3:5). When this is the case, some parents may actually be the least
qualified to give godly counsel because they have an instinctive, negative
response to something that seems dangerous, foolish, or doesn’t fit into
accepted family views.
Even in godly families, sometimes God
leads adult children into things their parents did not envision for them. Here
are two possible reasons God might do this:
1) First, He wants to set adult children free
from needing their parents’ approval.
2) Second, He wants to help parents relinquish
control and influence over their children’s lives unless asked for input.
Relinquishing influence can be a difficult
and grief-filled process. I recently heard one pastor say that learning to
relate to their adult children was more difficult for him and his wife than the
“terrible twos”. Involved parents invest about twenty years continuously
guiding the course of their children’s lives. When children become fully
independent, there is a death that takes place – the death of one role and the
birth of another much less prominent one.
Jesus Modelled This
Jesus did not only speak about the possible
need for young adults to go against the urgings of their parents and family
members – He modeled it. In Mark 3:20-35, Jesus came to his hometown to
minister. Because His message and ministry were so different from what His
mother and brothers expected, they thought He literally had lost His senses.
They tried to take Him into custody, but Jesus wouldn’t allow them to have
access to Him. When others told Him they wanted to see Him, He replied: “Who
are My mother and My brothers?” Then, looking around at His disciples, He
said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God,
he is My brother and sister and mother.”
This must have been a deeply painful moment for Jesus.
Imagine the bond between Jesus and Mary. Mary was a godly woman who only wanted
the best for Him. Jesus knew this. He was likely very close with His siblings
as well. Since He was the oldest, He probably felt protective and responsible
for them. Even so, Jesus knew there could be no competing loyalties contending
with His devotion to obey the Father. He also knew the best thing for Mary and
His brothers in the long term was to fulfill His calling, even though it meant
severing ties with them in the short term.
Mary was even explicitly warned that she would be
tempted to take offense at Jesus and oppose Him. In Luke 2:34-35, just after
Jesus was born, Simeon prophesied to her, saying:
“Behold, this Child is appointed for the fall and rise of many in Israel,
and for a sign to be opposed—and a sword will pierce even your own soul—to the
end that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.”
Notice how Simeon abruptly turned the attention to
Mary’s soul after saying Jesus was going to be opposed. Some have interpreted
Mary’s soul being pierced as referring to the pain she felt when Jesus was
crucified. But the context is clearly about the spiritual condition of people’s
hearts being exposed by Jesus’ ministry, as Mary’s was when she took offense
and opposed Him.
In addition to Mary and His brothers thinking He had
lost His senses in Mark 3, His brothers mocked Him for thinking He was doing
special works from God (John 7:3-5), and His entire hometown took offense at
Him (Matthew 13:54-58, Mark 6:1-6).
There are seasons when we may need to shift our
paradigm for family. Those who encourage us to fulfill God’s call on our
lives are like family members for that season. Jesus recognized that God had
placed the disciples in His life during that season so that they could be like
family to Him. This is why He said of His disciples, “For whoever does the
will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother.” This is also why He
was able to say to them near the end of His life, “You are those who have
stood by Me in My trials.” (Luke 22:28)
Opposition from Spiritual Parents
Opposition can come from spiritual parents, as well as
biological parents. One example from the gospels stands out. When some of the spiritual sons of the
Pharisees began to follow Jesus, He said to them in Luke 11:19:
“And if I by Beelzebul cast out demons, by whom do your sons cast them
out? So they will be your judges.”
The Pharisees ended up accusing the very ones they once taught
and shepherded.
There are examples of this in church history as well. For
example, under Martin Luther’s leadership, millions of reformists lost their lives or
were imprisoned by Roman Catholics for embracing fundamental biblical truths such
as individual salvation by grace, not by works, and the right of every
Christian to read the Bible in his own language. However, not long after this,
the Lutherans turned around and treated Anabaptists the same way. Martin Luther
publicly supported imprisonment and execution of Anabaptists because, among
other doctrinal disagreements, they denied the validity of infant baptism.
Similarly, Anglicans were persecuted by
Catholics receiving some reformation truths, but then turned around and
persecuted Methodists and Baptists for inviting personal responses to the
gospel and for preaching without a license from the state. Later, Pentecostals
came under persecution from previously established denominations for teaching the
modern-day operation of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
Ridicule
Ridicule by friends, family members, and other
believers is one of the enemy’s most reliable weapons for deterring people from
following the Lord’s call. In fact, it is present in
the lives of many of the men God used in scripture, including many who were
born into believing families. Here are some examples:
·
Cain
killed Abel because he was jealous of Abel’s intimacy with the Lord. (Genesis
4)
·
Joseph’s parents
and brothers took offense at the dreams the Lord gave him about his destiny and
his brothers sold him into slavery because of jealousy. (Genesis 37)
·
Jacob’s
father-in-law for years tried to delay and distract him from taking his
inheritance in the Promise Land. (Genesis 29-31)
·
Gideon’s family
members almost killed him for tearing down his father’s idols. (Judges 6:35-31)
·
David’s oldest
brother falsely accused him of wickedness just before the moment when God would
exalt him before the eyes of the whole nation. (1 Samuel 17:28)
·
David’s mother and father forsook him. (Psalms 27:10)
·
Solomon’s brother
Adonijah tried to steal the throne from him just before he was crowned. (1
Kings 1)
·
Jeremiah’s
brothers and father dealt treacherously with him when he prophesied of Israel’s
coming judgment. (Jeremiah 12:6)
·
Mary Magdalene
was criticized by other believers for prioritizing time with Christ over
domestic expectations (Luke 10), for an extravagant act of worship (John 12, Mark
14, and Matthew 26), and for
truthfully testifying of Christ’s resurrection (Mark 16:11, Luke
24:11).
Each of these saints was great in the sight of God. The
ridicule they endured is recorded, in part, so that we will be prepared for the
possibility that we too may be ridiculed by friends or family members for
following the Lord.
On the other hand, Samuel, Moses, Joshua, and John the
Baptist were also great in God’s sight and, as far as we know, had very supportive
families. If we have families that are supportive of us living fully
surrendered to Christ, whatever the cost, we can be truly thankful. If not,
don’t be deterred. Graciously accept their disapproval and continue following
the Lord. It is possible to honor our parents even when we do not follow
their counsel. In fact, Jesus began His ministry by honoring His mother and His
brothers. He performed His first miracle in response to Mary’s entreaty (John
2:5) and kept her and His brothers present right alongside His disciples at the
beginning of His ministry in the days the followed (John 2:12).
If we need to reject our parents’ counsel, we can do
it humbly. We could say something like:
“Honestly,
you may be right and I may be wrong about this. But after seeking the Lord and
hearing input from godly people I trust, I still have this conviction. If it’s
wrong, at least my conscience is clean before God. He can cover me and redeem
this decision if it is a misstep. Please just continue to pray for me. Thank
you for caring so much about my future.”
Marriage teaches us to Leave Our Parents
Here is a final thought. In Matthew 19:4-5, Jesus said:
“He
who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and
mother and be joined to his wife…”
In a way, marriage teaches us how to follow Christ because both
involve laying down every relationship that hinders devotion to this
relationship. Many young adults, at one time or another, experience pressure to
choose their parent’s or in-law’s wishes over their spouse’s. Therefore,
marriage teaches us to graciously accept that sometimes family members will not
like or agree with our decisions and that is okay. It teaches us to leave
father and mother and become whole-heartedly devoted to another.
Next
Moses is known
for many positive things, but the Bible also unapologetically records his
failures as a husband and father. We’ll examine these mistakes in the next
chapter.