When I was a boy, I once told my dad I wanted to be just
like him when I grew up. He replied that he was glad I wanted to be like him,
but he actually wanted to help me become an even better man than him, just like
his dad had done for him. He said every generation of parents should help their
children become better than they were. Decades later, I reflected on my dad’s
statement and thought that this was a biblical principle.
Later I will devote three chapters to studying
specific examples of this principle in scripture. But for now, consider the concept
of parents giving their children an inheritance, which is found throughout the
Old Testament (ex. Number 26:55, 33:54, Proverbs 13:22, 19:14). Overtly, such
passages usually refer to land, homes, silver, gold, livestock, or businesses.
However, much of what we see in the Old Testament is a picture of a spiritual
principle. Inheritances are no exception. The fact that scripture consistently
places a high value on physical inheritances is a sign of how much God esteems
spiritual inheritances.
Consider how inheritance works. Parents spend many
years laboring and accumulating. Then, when the inheritance is passed, the
children reap the benefits. The parent’s finishing point is the child’s
starting point. Then, if the child stewards it wisely, it will increase even
more before being passed to the grandchildren.
The inheritance principle applies both to overcoming
evil strongholds and to establishing righteous ones. A parent’s role is to pass
on what he or she learned through years of spiritual growth and labor. This
way, it will be natural for their sons and daughters to walk in that same
victory from an earlier age and they will be poised to go on and take even more
ground as an inheritance for the next generation.
God Requires Humility from Both Sides
Whenever two groups relate to one another,
the only way for them to receive the full blessing that God wants to impart is
for both to exercise humility. This is
true of two nations, two ethnic groups, two genders, or two generations. Let’s
talk about what this looks like with two generations.
Sometimes members of an older generation must have the
humility to recognize members of a younger generation are building on the
foundation they laid and celebrate it. If God entrusts them with wisdom or
influence, the older generation should cheer them on rather than becoming
critical or resentful. At the same time, the younger generation must recognize that
their success would not be possible if the older generation had not laid the
foundation for it. They also must recognize they will not be able to steward
their gifts wisely without honoring the older generation, submitting to their
authority, and acknowledging their need for shepherding.
Spiritual gifts do not equal character.
Anointing does not equal maturity. Biblical insight does not equal
faithfulness. No matter how much of these things
God entrusts to a younger generation, they will still desperately need the
character, faithfulness, and maturity that is modeled and passed down from
spiritual fathers and mothers.
Psalms 145:4 says, “One generation
shall praise Your works to another, and shall declare
Your mighty acts.” Notice it doesn’t say one
generation shall praise God’s works to the next – it says “another”.
It goes both ways. Both parents and children declare what God has done or is
doing in their generation and both are edified.
One of the most well-loved Christian
books of the Baby-Boomer generation is The Mystery of Marriage. The
author, Mike Mason, was a recent seminary graduate and had been married only a
short time when he wrote the book. His mentor, renowned theologian J.I. Packer,
stated in the book’s forward that he would have counseled Mike against writing
it since there were already many marriage books written by much more qualified
and experienced individuals. He went on to thank God that Mason never asked his
advice because it would have been to the detriment of the entire body of Christ
if he had.
Here is a picture that comes to my mind when I think
about my job as a father. There is a plateau in front of me that is too high
for me to reach. Instead, I help my children climb up onto my shoulders and
stand up so that they can reach the edge and climb onto it. Then they reach
down and pull me up. First they need me. Then I need them. Together, we reach
the place God is calling us to.
Satanic Opposition
Satan hates spiritual inheritances and does everything
in his power to destroy them. One way he does this is by tempting parents and
children to take offense or become resentful of one another.
If one generation begins to build, the enemy tries to
sow pride or criticism in both sides. He entices Christian parents and leaders
to believe they are the standard of biblical Christianity and their children
would do well to become just like them. He entices younger believers to think
the older generation is stuck in their ways, rigid, and unwilling to receive
what God is doing in the present. If Satan creates a generational divide, it can
greatly undermine the power and longevity of what God is doing.
Parents Initiate Reconciliation
Malachi 4:6 says, “He will restore
the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to
their fathers.” Notice the order. The parents’
hearts shift first, then the children’s.
Whenever there is a relational rift, those who are
more mature are the first to initiate reconciliation. They are the first to
humble themselves, ask forgiveness, and extend forgiveness. Since parents are
older and wiser than their children, they should be the first to take
responsibility for their part.
No matter how pure our intentions are as parents, we
are not perfect. We have all misrepresented God many times. Here’s my
encouragement to parents of embittered adult children: If you knew everything
back then that you know now, you would have done some things differently,
right? Then tell your children. Explain to them what you wish you would have
done better, even if you didn’t have the capacity at the time. Apologize if
it’s appropriate. It doesn’t mean you should feel ashamed, nor does it absolve
them from their contribution to the divide. But it may validate some of what
they are feeling and begin to bridge the gap. It may also help them begin to
see their part. It may help them see where they had unrealistic expectations of
you. In any event, let reconciliation start with you.
Seeing Our Parents’ Blind Spots
One way God gives a new generation grace to build is
by allowing them to see the blind spots and shortcomings of the previous
generation. This is because He wants them to learn from their parents’
mistakes. But with this vision comes a choice.
Will we respond with humility or pride? Will we choose honor or
criticism?
If children admit they could fall prey to similar
vices and seek God’s grace to overcome them, then He will give them the grace
they need. However, if they believe they are better than their parents and
could never repeat their mistakes, God’s grace will not be available to them.
They will either fall in similar ways or become ensnared in self-righteousness,
distancing themselves from Christ.
Likewise, if children choose to honor what their
parents did right, God will help them build upon the good parts of the
foundation they received. However, if children criticize their parents for what
they did wrong, they invite the accuser’s presence into their lives and bring a
curse on themselves. (This will be discussed more in the next chapter.)
There is a difference between criticism and acknowledgment.
We should certainly acknowledge what our parents did wrong and how it
affected us (potentially a long process). This way we can forgive them,
experience healing through God and his people, and learn from their mistakes.
However, we should not criticize them because criticism is rooted in
pride. At the heart of criticism is the false belief that I could never do the
same things my parents did because I am better than them. This is a deception.
The truth is that we are all far more dependent on God’s grace than we realize.
The perfect combination of wounds, weaknesses, and temptations is all that
stands between us and the sins we think we could never commit.
Even though seeing our parents’
shortcomings can help us to do better for our children, we should always keep
three things in mind:
1) Many of our parents did the best they
could with what they received from their parents.
2) One day our children will experience the
same thing with us. They will see all the ways we fell desperately short.
Therefore, we should give our parents all the grace and understanding we hope
to one day receive from our children. We will reap what we sow.
3)
Even though we
begin to see our parents’ blind spots as we move into adulthood, they still see
ours too. They are familiar with our personalities, strengths, and
weaknesses. When we were growing up, God gave them grace to shepherd us and it
did not suddenly disappear when we became adults. Their input is still valuable
and could save us from costly mistakes.
When parents spend their whole lives laboring for a
spiritual inheritance to pass on to their children, it’s easy for children to
take it for granted since they haven’t known anything different. But God sees
the years of struggle that went into laying that foundation. He does not forget
their labor when they stand before His judgment seat and are assigned their eternal
rewards.
My Testimony
Sometimes younger Christians think they are building when
they are really just falling into deception. Younger Christians should
recognize that older Christians have seen many different churches, leaders,
movements, and doctrines come and go over the course of their lives. They’ve
seen the pitfalls. They’ve seen people go after all kinds of deception and
heresy. They’ve seen people chase after spiritual gifts and experiences only to
abandon simple devotion to Christ. They’ve seen people zealously accumulate
Bible knowledge only to become proud and self-righteous. They’ve seen people
start out white hot, gradually become lukewarm, and then fall away completely.
If they know anything, they know this: Long-term faithfulness is rare indeed.
In my early adult years, I became involved in a
ministry unlike anything I had grown up around. All the head knowledge I
accumulated growing up in my local church seemed to become real for the first
time. I read the Bible voraciously for hours. I worshipped for hours and wept
much of the time. I prayed for hours about everyone and everything I could
think of. I went downtown and witnessed to people in my free time because I
felt such a burden for the lost. I could not imagine wanting to do anything but
serve the Lord for the rest of my life.
This season in my life lasted for about a year.
Although it was largely positive, it was not perfect, and some of the seeds
that were sown into my heart paved the way for me to later become involved in
another ministry that was “off” in very serious ways. Many people in my life
tried to warn me of the red flags they saw, including my wife, my parents, my
in-laws, my pastor, friends, and parents of friends. However, because I did not
think they understood what I had experienced at the first ministry, I did not
consider their advice valuable. My unwillingness to listen to them led me down
a path that nearly destroyed my marriage, my calling, and possibly my soul. The
only thing that saved me was the prayers, longsuffering, and forgiveness of the
very people whose counsel I confidently rejected.
How We Define Normal
When we are born into a family, whatever
our parents are like, that is our definition of normal. As we get older
we are gradually exposed to other views and values, but still mostly see them
as different and ourselves as normal. Finally, when we get older
still, we realize there is no single standard of normalcy. Every family is
different.
We also start to realize our parents made
many mistakes. This can be painful and shocking since we once accepted
everything they did and said as truth. We can feel misled and find it difficult
to forgive them.
It is the same with our spiritual family.
When we first get saved our perspective of normal Christianity (including
doctrines, worship style, preaching style, culture of fellowship, outreach,
etc…) is formed by our first experiences. The culture of our home church is normal
and other churches and denominations are different. As we mature, we may
begin to recognize blind spots, imbalances, and shortcomings of our home
church. We may see areas where our church values its own traditions more than
what the Bible teaches.
When those in authority disappoint us we
can either become bitter or grow stronger. If we forgive them, remain humble
about our own potential for mistakes, and depend on God for help, we can grow
stronger. We can take the good we got, reject the bad, and seek out other
influences. We can look for other mentors or ministries to supplement what we
received from our parents or home church. If it is appropriate, we can humbly
offer to help those over us course-correct.
A Dream
Once I had a dream in
which I was praying for help to be a godly parent. I suddenly had an
overwhelming sense of how far they could go if I gave them a good foundation
and they were faithful to build on it. It was much farther than I realized. I
felt like I was standing at the base of a mountain, looking up at them.
At the same time, I felt
the greatest plateau I could hope to reach was feeble compared to what was
possible for them. This made me so sorrowful I began to weep. Through my tears,
I added to my prayer, saying, “…I also pray that I could at least be
great in my own generation.” When I said this, I heard the Lord’s
voice reply, “Whoever wants to be great among you shall be your
servant, and whoever wants to be first shall be your slave.”
When He said this, I
realized that the honor of serving the next generation so they could build on
the foundation I gave them was the very greatness I was asking for. I also remembered God judges us according
to how faithfully we steward what we were given, including the foundations we
received from our parents and early influences.
Next
The command to honor our parents is one of the most
repeated commands of scripture, yet it is one of the most underemphasized
today. As we will find out, even our very lives and the survival of our nation
depend on our response to it.