Matthew 10:37
says, “He who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.” One
of the most common and most socially acceptable forms of idolatry in the church
is idolatry of children. This is sometimes more of a struggle for women. Men
make idols out of children too, but more frequently idolize pursuits outside
the home, such as a career or hobby.
Parents can easily
drift into getting their greatest sense of purpose, identity, and fulfillment
from parenting rather than relating to God. This does children a serious
disservice. It gradually results in parents loving their children more for
their own sakes than for the child’s sake. It is no longer sacrificial. The
parent unconsciously develops the expectation that their children owe them
happiness. This leads to various
unhealthy consequences such as enmeshment (the child not developing his/her
own, separate identity) or resentment and rebellion.
Unhealthy Attachments
I recently heard a message about parenthood by a well-known Christian leader
and author. Trying to be delicate yet straightforward, he stated that the way many
Christian mothers love their children is parasitic. It stems from the husband
not meeting his wife’s need for emotional connection, so she turns to her
children as her source of life. The man’s idolatry of a career induces the
woman’s idolatry of her children. Neither of them finds his/her life in God.
He went on to say that this can contribute
to why mothers-in-law sometimes treat their daughters-in-law abrasively. The
mother feels almost as though her son is committing adultery with another woman
because he was her primary source of male companionship. Jesus understood how
common this family dynamic is. Perhaps this is why He specifically identified
the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship as being likely to cause
division both in Matthew 10:35 and Luke 12:53.
Putting Your Child on the
Altar
In Genesis 22, God
commanded Abraham to lay his son Isaac upon an altar and sacrifice him. Abraham
immediately obeyed. Abraham’s obedience showed that he did not idolize his son.
He loved Isaac, but he did not need him. This is a sign of a truly great
parent.
God does not need us. He
does not need us to feel joyful, fulfilled, or complete. Therefore, He is free
to love us for our own sakes, not for His sake. There is nothing self-serving
about how He deals with us. Every choice He makes is based on what is best for
us, not what will make Him feel good.
One reason it is easy to find our purpose in parenting
is because someone we love needs us and it feels good to be needed. However,
the ultimate goal of a parent, in a sense, is actually to make himself not
needed. If a parent is successful, he will have passed on his love and wisdom
to such an extent that his children have been fully formed by it and are ready
to move out into the world without him.
The way God parents often
feels counterintuitive to human parents. For example, a mother (or father) who
did not learn to put her son on the altar will never let him hit rock bottom if
he chooses a foolish path. She will keep rescuing him and enabling him to
continue in foolishness. She will never let him fully experience the
consequences of his choices because it hurts her too much to watch him suffer.
Her rescuing is really about her own discomfort rather than what is best for
the son.
God does not try to
control outcomes. He focuses on doing His part well as the parent, but knows He
cannot control the ultimate results of His parenting. We have a free will. As
He did in the Garden of Eden, God can do everything right and still get
negative results that lead to pain and grief. No one has ever experienced this
reality more deeply than God.
Idolatry and Image-Passing
God’s design is for parents to pass some of their
image on to their children, while still giving them the freedom to discover
their own unique identity, gifts, and calling. However, one way that idolatry
of children manifests in some families is by parents trying to conform their
children fully into their own image or into a mold they can live through
vicariously. This has the potential to kill the destiny God created them for.
Successful parents help their children
develop their own relationship with God so they gradually come to be fathered more
by Him than by them. They also prepare themselves for the possibility that
their children’s futures may look different than they thought. It could be
something they never thought of. Or even be something they are initially
uncomfortable with, which was true of many people God used in scripture.
Successful parents also seek out others
who exemplify some aspects of Christ’s character better than they do and point
their children toward them. They know that, while they may have some strengths
their children can emulate, they also need to look to others to model areas
they are weak in.
One pastor did the
following. He anticipated that his son might become less receptive to his dad’s
counsel when he became a teenager. So he carefully identified several godly men
that he and his son both liked. Each man had a different character strength.
For example, one man had courage and boldness. Another man was faithful and
diligent whenever he was given a task to complete. Another man exuded
unconditional love. With the group’s permission, the pastor explained to his
son the different qualities that each man embodied, encouraged him to glean
from them, and told him that if he ever needed godly, masculine counsel from
someone other than dad, these men were more than willing.
What if more parents did
this? What if more Christian leaders and pastors (spiritual parents) did this
as well, pointing their people to other leaders and churches, who have
strengths they don’t? How much better off would the body of Christ be?
Next
When you think of the book of Exodus, is
parenthood a topic that comes to mind? If not, you might be surprised at how
much this topic is addressed. We’ll explore some passages in the next chapter.