When we are born into a family, whatever
our parents are like, that is our definition of normal. As we get older,
we are gradually exposed to other families’ views and values, but still mostly
see them as different and ourselves as normal. Finally, when we
get older still, we realize there is no single standard of normalcy. Every
family is different.
We also start to realize our parents made
mistakes and they have blind spots and character flaws. This can be painful and
shocking since we once accepted everything they said and did as right and true.
We can feel misled and betrayed and find it difficult to forgive them.
For Christians, this realization comes with a choice. Will
we respond with humility/honor or pride/criticism?
Criticism is rooted in pride. At the heart of
criticism is the false belief that I could never do the same things my parents
did because I am better than them. Or I could never swing to different harmful
parenting choices in reaction to my parents’ mistakes. This is a deception. The
truth is that we are all far more dependent on God’s grace than we realize. The
perfect combination of wounds, weaknesses, and temptations is all that stands
between us and the sins we think we could never commit.
If we admit we could fall prey to similar or
reactionary parenting vices and seek God’s grace to overcome them, then He will
give us the grace they need. However, if we believe we are better than our
parents and could never repeat their mistakes, or overcompensate in reaction to
them, God’s grace will not be available to us.
There is a difference between criticism and acknowledgment.
We should certainly acknowledge what our parents did wrong and how it
affected us. This way we can forgive them, experience healing through God and
his people, and learn from their mistakes. (This may be a difficult, years-long
process.)
When seeing our parents’ mistakes, blind
spots, and character flaws, we should always keep three things in mind:
1) Many of our parents did the best they
could with what they received from their parents.
2) One day our children will experience the
same thing with us. They will see all the ways we fell short. Therefore, we
should give our parents all the grace and forgiveness we hope to one day
receive from our children. We will reap what we sow.
3)
Even though we
begin to see our parents’ blind spots as we move into adulthood, they may still
see ours too. They are familiar with our personalities, strengths, and
weaknesses. Their input may still valuable and could potentially save us from
costly mistakes.
A similar coming-of-age dynamic can happen
with our spiritual home. When we first get saved, our perspective of normal
Christianity (including doctrines, worship style, preaching style, fellowship,
outreach, etc.) is formed by our first experiences. The culture of our home
church is normal and other churches and denominations are different.
As we mature, we may begin to recognize blind spots, imbalances, and
shortcomings of our home church. We may see areas where our church values its
own traditions more than what the Bible teaches. We may see ways in which our
shepherds displayed hypocrisy or moral compromise.
If we forgive them, remain humble about
our own potential for mistakes, and depend on God for help, we can grow
stronger. We can take the good we got from them, reject the bad, and seek out
other influences. We can look for other shepherds or ministries to supplement
what we received from our home church.
If we choose to honor what our parents or shepherds
did well, in addition to acknowledging their shortcomings, God will help us
build upon the good parts of the foundation we received from them while still
avoiding the pitfalls.