Some of what Jesus said in the gospels about the
influence of biological family members was not positive. Here are some
examples:
“And He said to another, ‘Follow Me.’ But he said, ‘Lord, permit me
first to go and bury my father.’ But He said to
him, ‘Allow the dead to bury their own dead; but as for
you, go and proclaim everywhere the kingdom of God.’ Another also said,
‘I will follow You, Lord; but first permit me to say good-bye to those at
home.” But Jesus said to him, “No one, after putting his hand to the plow and
looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.’” (Luke 9:59-62)
For I
came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a
daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the
members of his household. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not
worthy of me…” (Matthew 10:35-37,
repeated in Luke 12:53)
“You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives
and friends…” (Luke 21:16)
Jesus spoke these words primarily to people from
devout Israelite families who believed in the true God and His written word. If
these statements applied to Israelites in Jesus’s day, they can also apply to
Christians today.
For some Christians, family opposition is the greatest
obstacle they will ever face to obeying God’s call on their lives. We are born
craving acceptance from our parents. Our understanding of right and wrong is
formed by their approval or disapproval. This influence does not suddenly
disappear when we reach adulthood. Therefore, obeying God when it goes against
our parents’ wishes can feel like rebellion or sin.
Christians who grew up in Muslim, Buddhist, or Jewish
families and then converted understand the price of following Christ. Many are
completely rejected as outcasts. Some are even threatened with death.
Christians should understand it is possible to experience similar, if less
extreme, shunning for following Christ even if they were raised in Christian
homes. It is possible for Christian parents (or pastors and other spiritual
leaders) to be threatened or offended if their young adult children pursue a calling
that is different than what they envisioned.
One couple at my church took a vehement stand against
their son and daughter-in-law becoming missionaries in a dangerous part of the
world for fear of their safety. They wouldn’t even consider that it could be
God’s hand leading them. The pastor finally counseled them that they had no
right to hold their children back from God’s will, if this was it, because they
didn’t belong to them – they belonged to Him. Similarly, the leader of a
marriage-and-family ministry said the number one obstacle young people face
when joining their ministry is opposition from their Christian parents who
don’t like the stigma and uncertainty associated with having to raise support
as missionaries.
Another source of opposition is that some Christians
are very dogmatic in their devotion to a particular set of doctrines or a
denomination. Therefore, they treat going to another church/denomination or
embracing different doctrines (other than the non-negotiable doctrines of the
faith) almost as if they had converted to another religion.
I read the testimony of one man who grew up in a
church with very formal, ritualistic services. As a result, Christ never seemed
personal or approachable to him. In his teenage years, a friend invited him to
a church with a friendlier atmosphere, genuine heartfelt worship, and practical
in-depth teaching about living in relationship with God. Without criticizing,
he switched churches and began to pursue God passionately. However, this
offended his pastor and parents so much that he was eventually ostracized from
his family.
Godly Counsel
Most Christian parents sincerely want what is best for
their children. However, sometimes their counsel is more a reflection of their
own values than God’s values. They may be more concerned with their children’s
financial security, social status, geographic proximity, physical safety, or stable
family life than whether they truly serve God with all their hearts.
Even in godly families, sometimes God
leads adult children into things their parents did not envision for them. Here
are two possible reasons God might do this:
1) First, He wants to set adult children free
from needing their parents’ approval.
2) Second, He wants to help parents relinquish
control and influence over their children’s lives, at least to some degree.
Relinquishing influence can be a difficult
and grief-filled process. I recently heard one pastor say that learning to
relate to their adult children was more difficult for him and his wife than the
“terrible twos”. Involved parents invest nearly twenty years continuously
guiding the course of their children’s lives. When children become independent,
there is a death that takes place – the death of one role and the birth of
another less prominent one.
If we need to reject our parents’ counsel, we can
still honor them and exercise humility in the process. We could say something
like:
“Honestly,
you may be right and I may be wrong about this. But after seeking the Lord and
hearing input from godly people I trust, I still have this conviction. If it’s
wrong, at least my conscience is clean before God. He can cover me and redeem
this decision if it is a misstep. Please just continue to pray for me. Thank
you for caring so much about my future.”
Jesus Modeled This
Jesus did not only speak about the possible
need for young adults to go against the urgings of their parents and family
members – He modeled it. In Mark 3:20-35, Jesus came to his hometown to
minister. Because His message and ministry were so different from what His
mother and brothers expected, they thought He had literally lost His senses.
They tried to take Him into custody, but Jesus wouldn’t allow them to have
access to Him. When others told Him they wanted to see Him, He replied: “Who
are My mother and My brothers?” Then, looking around at His disciples, He
said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God,
he is My brother and sister and mother.”
This must have been a deeply painful moment for Jesus.
Imagine the bond between Jesus and Mary. Mary was a godly woman who only wanted
the best for Him. Jesus knew this. He was likely very close with His siblings
as well. Since He was the oldest, He probably felt protective and responsible
for them. Even so, Jesus knew there could be no competing loyalties contending
with His devotion to obey the Father. He also knew the best thing for Mary and
His brothers in the long term was to fulfill His calling, even though it meant
distancing Himself from them in the short term.
Mary was even explicitly warned that she would be
tempted to take offense at Jesus and oppose Him. In Luke 2:34-35, just after
Jesus was born, Simeon prophesied to her, saying:
“Behold, this Child is appointed for the fall and rise of many in Israel,
and for a sign to be opposed—and a sword will pierce even your own soul—to the
end that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.”
Notice how Simeon abruptly turned his attention to
Mary’s soul after saying Jesus was going to be opposed. Some have interpreted
Mary’s soul being pierced as referring to the pain she felt when Jesus was
crucified. But the context is clearly about the spiritual condition of people’s
hearts being exposed by Jesus’s ministry, as Mary’s was when she took offense
and opposed Him.
In addition to Mary and His brothers thinking He had
lost His senses in Mark 3, His brothers mocked Him for thinking He was doing
special works from God (John 7:3-5), and His entire hometown took offense at
Him (Matthew 13:54-58, Mark 6:1-6).
There are seasons when we may need to shift our
paradigm for family. Those who encourage us to fulfill God’s call on our
lives are like family members for that season. Jesus recognized that God had
placed the disciples in His life during that season so that they could be like
family to Him. This is why He said of His disciples, “For whoever does the
will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother.” This is also why He
was able to say to them near the end of His life, “You are those who have
stood by Me in My trials.” (Luke 22:28)