1 Corinthians 7:33-34 says:
“…but
one who is married is concerned
about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests
are divided… But the one who is married is concerned about the things of the
world, how she may please her husband.”
Paul actually called the desire of husbands and wives
to please one another a thing “of the world.” He said it divides their
interests and hinders their devotion to God. This is because having as a
primary goal pleasing one’s spouse is actually idolatry. Husbands’ and wives’
main goal in marriage should be to please God, not each other.
Men and Pleasing
One of the deepest needs of a man’s heart is to feel successful.
This is as true of his marriage as other areas of his life. Men want to feel
successful as husbands. But how does a man know whether he is successful? What criteria should he use to judge himself?
For many men, the natural inclination is to ask, “Is
my wife pleased with how I’m treating her?” The more pleased she is, the
more successful he feels. The more displeased she is, the more he feels like a
failure.
This can be a very good question to ask, to a degree,
since men and women are so different. Paying attention to what pleases his wife
helps a man learn about her unique needs. However, taking this question to an
extreme causes a man to conduct himself in marriage more for the approval of
his wife than for God, which is idolatry.
A friend of mine was having a lot of conflict in his
marriage. At one point he said to me, “I feel like nothing I do is ever good
enough for her.” There was something about the way he said this that
sounded unhealthy. He seemed overly desperate for her approval. I wanted to say
to him, “It doesn’t have to be good enough for her. It only has to be good
enough for God.” Instead, I just listened and then prayed by myself
afterward that God would open his eyes to the root problem. Three days later,
when we met again, he told me God had shown him that he was making his wife
into an idol and was seeking her approval more than His.
There could be times in a marriage when a man loves
his wife very well, but she is unable to receive it, and may even resent it,
because of issues she’s facing in her own heart. That is when a man needs to
look toward heaven and sense the Lord’s affirmation of him. Then he will be
able to give his wife freedom to work through the issues coming up in her heart
without becoming resentful or angry that she is not meeting his need to feel
successful as a husband. He gets this need fulfilled by Christ.
Women and Pleasing
One of a woman’s deepest needs is for safe, secure,
emotionally connected relationships, especially in her marriage. This can lead
a woman to prioritize relational harmony over helping her husband become the
man he is called to be. This too is idolatry because she is more concerned with
pleasing her husband than God.
When a wife is overly concerned about whether her
husband is pleased with her, she does him a disservice. She will likely shy
away from saying something he needs to hear if it is going to create conflict.
However, if her main goal is to please God, she will take the risk of being
gently, respectfully honest with him even if it makes him angry.
Pleasing God may mean holding him accountable if he is
sinning. It may mean reminding him of his responsibility to lead, protect, or
provide for their family. This reminder will ring hollow if she does it out of
self-interest or manipulation. However, if she does it out of a sincere desire
to help him become the man God created him to be, the Lord may use her
obedience to work on his heart.
Pressure and Control
On the other hand, sometimes husbands and wives go in
the opposite direction. Instead of being overly concerned with pleasing our
spouse, we can be overly concerned with getting their behavior, beliefs, or
opinions to conform to our wishes.
This too is idolatry. Our need to control our spouse
reveals that they really control us. It shows that our ability to experience
peace depends on them doing or thinking what we want. It shows that we’re
looking to them for fulfillment more than we’re looking to God.
Therefore, we try to control them using pressure,
guilt, nagging, manipulation, anger, or intimidation. In Christian marriages,
this is often spiritualized, which puts a righteous-appearing mask on abusive
treatment.
For years, I pressured my wife Jenny to do what I
wanted her to do or think what I wanted her to think. If she had a different
doctrine, I felt threatened. If she had a different opinion, I got defensive.
If she challenged my perspective, I got angry. I eventually learned the hard
way that buried deep underneath my need to control Jenny was unrelenting
fear.
Fear is almost always at the root of control,
pressure, guilt, nagging, manipulation, anger, or intimidation. We fear of
losing control of our future. We fear missing out. We fear being taken
advantage of or taken for granted. We fear being hurt or rejected. We fear
looking weak or foolish. We fear our ugliest character flaws being exposed.
If we can learn to identify the specific fear we feel
and then share with our spouse in a gentle, non-critical way, this one habit
can be the difference between divorce and decades of intimacy.
Look at how the Bible connects 1) honestly sharing
your hurt or anger with 2) vulnerability (tenderheartedness) and forgiveness. Ephesians
4:25-32 says:
“…laying
aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor… Be angry, and
yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger… Let all bitterness
and wrath… be put away from you… Be… tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just
as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
Likewise, Colossians 3:8-9 says:
“…put
them all aside: anger, wrath… abusive speech… Yet do not lie to one another…”
However, this kind of vulnerability can feel very
uncomfortable and risky. So instead, we often resort to anger because anger
feels powerful and safe. In the short term, pressure, guilt, nagging,
manipulation, anger, or intimidation may be effective in getting our spouse to
do or think what we want. But it will inevitably cause resentment to build up
and destroy intimacy. Therefore, one of the greatest challenges of marriage is
choosing to be vulnerable instead of angry or critical.