When a couple faces a major decision,
there is no single formula for how to handle it. Instead, there are different
biblical principles that could apply depending on the situation and how God is
leading each spouse at that time. Here are several possibilities for how God
may lead a husband and wife through a major decision together:
1) There are multiple options within God’s
will. There is room for discussion, personal preference, and compromise.
2) The husband and wife are in agreement
about how the Lord is leading them. Unity comes easily and they proceed
together.
3) The Lord impresses upon the wife to submit
to her husband’s lead. She knows her husband is being led by the Lord. This is
a picture of Christ acting as the head of the church. Ephesians 5:22-24
applies.
4) The Lord impresses upon the husband to
listen to his wife’s counsel. He knows his wife is being led by the Lord. This
is a picture of the Holy Spirit acting as the Helper.
5) The Lord impresses upon the wife to submit
to her husband’s lead, but she does not know whether her husband is
being led by the Lord. She only knows the Lord is asking her to submit to him.
6) The Lord impresses upon the husband to
defer to his wife. He does not know whether his wife is being led by the
Lord. He only knows the Lord is asking him to defer to her. This may have been
the case with Sarah and Abraham in Genesis 21:12.
7) The Lord impresses upon the wife to submit
to her husband’s lead even though she knows he is not being led by the
Lord. He is either deceived or he is intentionally disobeying. However, the
Lord asks her to entrust herself to His care and pray for her husband’s heart.
1 Peter 3:1 applies. This is a picture of how the Holy Spirit continues to love
us and pursue relationship with us even when we are disobedient.
8) The Lord impresses upon the husband to
defer to his wife even though he knows she is not being led by the Lord.
She is either deceived or she is intentionally disobeying. However, the Lord
asks him to lay the situation down before Him and pray for his wife’s heart.
This is a picture of how Jesus treats His church when we resist His will for
us.
How to Handle Disagreement
We can only control our own response to a
major disagreement, not our spouse’s. Whatever he or she does, scripture
exhorts us to still represent God to them. If a husband believes his wife
should submit to him about a particular
decision, but she is unwilling, he should accept it without becoming bitter,
just as Jesus frequently does with His church. Then he should seek God for his
next step. Likewise, if a wife believes
her husband should listen to her counsel, but he is unwilling, she should
accept it without becoming bitter, just as the Holy Spirit frequently does with
us, and seek God for her next step.
With many decisions, the process is
actually more important than the outcome. If one or both spouses honor God and
each other in how they walk through the decision-making process, they can be
victorious in His eyes regardless of what decision is made.