Men and women have different functions in marriage.
Difference in function does not mean difference in value. Husbands and wives
are equally loved by God. However, they are not equal in authority or
accountability. Ephesians 5:22-25 says:
“Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of
the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so
also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your
wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…”
This passage raises two important questions:
1) What is submission?
2) What is headship, or stated another way, what does it
mean to have authority?
Let’s consider the first question – what is
submission? The answer is: It depends on the context. The same Greek word used
for submission in the Bible is used not only for husbands and wives (Ephesians
5:21, Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:5), but also with civil authorities (Romans
13:1, Titus 3:1, 1 Peter 2:13), church elders (1 Corinthians 16:16, 1 Peter 5:5),
other believers (Ephesians 5:21), employers (Ephesians 6:5, Colossians 3:22,
Titus 2:9, 1 Peter 2:18), and private institutions (1 Peter 2:13).
Therefore, let’s propose a definition that covers all
these relationships at once:
Submission
is a heart-attitude that 1) honors authority, 2) obeys its legitimate commands,
3) forgives its misuses, and 4) respectfully declines commands that are outside
its jurisdiction to give.
The first two parts of this definition – the parts
about giving honor and obeying legitimate commands protect the heart against
the sin of rebellion. The second two parts – the parts about forgiving misuses
and respectfully declining illegitimate commands – protect the heart against
the sin of unforgiveness.
When you put them together it’s like putting an
impenetrable force-field around the one thing in life that matters most, which
is our relationship with God. No matter how unjust or oppressive of an
authority a person finds himself or herself under, submission will render that
authority powerless to harden a person’s heart toward God.
The Bible’s commands about submission are meant to
protect us and empower us. Submission is not weakness. In fact, it is the most
powerful action a person can take in response to oppressive leadership because
it invites the power of God into the situation.
Now let’s consider the second question – what is
headship or what does it mean to have authority?
Once again, the answer depends on the context. For
example, church leaders have authority to teach, comfort, or rebuke in a church
context. Civil rulers have authority to punish evil if it violates someone’s
life or liberty or property.
Furthermore, the Greek word used for authority in the
Bible does not only mean the power to make someone do something. It can also
mean grace or anointing from God to do something we’re called to do. For example, Mathew 7:29 says Jesus taught
with authority, and 2 Corinthians 13:10 says God gave Paul authority for
building up the Corinthian church.
So, the real question here is, what type of authority
does the Bible give a husband? The answer is: The Bible gives husbands
authority to love, serve, protect, provide, and lead by example.
Some may say this definition softens what the Bible
says to make it palatable to our politically correct culture. This is a
challenge that should be greatly appreciated. After all, more and more Christians
are backing away from hard biblical truths in our culture because they don’t
want to offend.
However, if that is one’s position here, let’s put the
burden of proof on them for a moment and ask where it says in scripture that
the specific type of authority given to husbands includes the authority to give
a command or have the final say in every important decision?
One might respond, “Well, Jesus gives the commands
to the church, therefore husbands can give commands to their wives because
that’s the metaphor that Ephesians 5 uses.” Ok, let’s think about that.
A husband does not literally die on a cross for the
sins of his wife, right? And a wife will not appear before the judgment seat of
her husband after she dies, will she? Obviously not. So, the marriage metaphor
has limits. But what are those limits? To find out, we should examine portions
of scripture where Christ is specifically portrayed as a husband, or where the
Father is portrayed as a husband to Israel, or other passages that speak
specifically about godly marriage. Here are several examples: Ruth 3-4, Song of
Solomon, Isaiah 54:5-8, 62:4-5, Jeremiah 31:32, Ezekiel 16:8-14, Hosea 2:14-23,
1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:25-33, Colossians 3:19, 1 Timothy 5:8, 1 Peter
3:7, Revelation 19:7-9
These passages indicate that husbands are given
authority to love, serve, protect, provide, and lead by example. By contrast,
whenever Jesus is depicted as giving commands, it is in the role of a King or a
Judge or a Master or a Creator, not a Husband. Those metaphors don’t apply to
marriage.
So, for a wife, we might say:
Submission
is a heart-attitude that honors her husband’s calling to love, serve, protect,
provide and lead their family, forgives him when he falls short of this
calling, and respectfully declines commands (or force or pressure) since they
are not within his jurisdiction to give.
My marriage was nearly destroyed in part because I
thought submission meant I should always have the final say in every important
decision. After God restored my marriage, I began seeing my wife more as a
partner and wise counselor, often providing discernment and insights I would
never have thought of. This has brought us much closer together and has vastly
improved the marriage model we present to our daughters.